Sweat Shop Labourer

That's how I feel at work sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I love my work but sometimes, it's taking a toll on my physical / mental strength.

I'm constantly taking diazepam to sleep. If I don't, I wake up at 2am in the morning and feel like I want to do some work. Not want - need.

For the past nearly 2 weeks, I've been working 12 hour days and most of the time, I don't even get out of the office for lunch. I have noticed a decline in my productivity because I'm feeling a little drained, but what can I do? There are people out there who want my job and I've gotta work harder than ever to prove that I deserve to be in that position (even though the pay really sucks).

I console myself by telling myself that I will see my rewards at bonus time - and that's where the savings really count because it will be a lump sum. I've exceeded this month's budget by 2K because we've been buying shit stuff on top of the air-tickets for my mum-in-law and brother-in-law to visit in August. They'll return us the money next month but I just hate having a credit card balance at the end of the month and dug into my account.

It's 3am in the morning and I'm still doing research on an O&G company. It has to be an in-depth analysis so I'm reading all the ASX announcements to understand its story. It's taking longer than I expected and I am NOT happy about it.

Even though I'd really want to be in the office at 5.30AM in the morning, I don't think it's feasible tomorrow. Donovan has been up all night crying. He cries for 10 mins, stops for 5 mins, then continues for 10 mins. I don't know how Vincent is going to work tomorrow - but thank god, he's not goign through a busy time. When i'm tired, my brain doesn't function properly. I applied for half a day's leave in order to re-energize myself after this horrible ordeal. I hope that my 2 hours of exercise booked in on Saturday will revive me.

Tri has already warned me that this is just a phase - and I'll be in Singapore for 2 weeks over this hectic phase. That's why I want to prove myself over this phase. It's hard when you're a sweat shop labourer because you don't really get the chance to do something quality without eating into your energy levels (and no one else in the office except Brian really understands how difficult it is to look after a baby AND work full-time).

Overall, what can I complain about? I have great colleagues, I work for extremely intelligent people. Brian can be harsh, but he is honest about things and over time, it becomes clearer what he wants. Mum saw Brian and said that he is a really good man with a kind heart. To work for a boss like that is my fortune. Well, really.. the fact that I am given the opportunity to work on O&G and learn directly from him and Paul is a blessing.

OK, so this is something that i have to tell myself. Sometimes, I feel really tired.. and i feel really dizzy but it's all worth it. I worry, I panic that I won't be able to finish quality work fast enough. Lisa leaving has also affected me in a large way because we were both in the same situation - leaving academia for Akamai. I remember how excited we were to be finally working in the real world rather than being cooped up in a musty room. Now, I just feel so much for her. Maybe she doesn't realize it - but I actually worry about how she must be feeling now.

I just feel that I don't have time for many things. Brian and Tri want to see that I'm making effort to improve - and I really love studying. But studying takes time and I dont' get time to do that in the office. When i get home, Donovan wants all of my attention (reading books, playing with him, hugging him). Donovan wants all the things that a mother can give. Then Donovan decides to keep waking up at night when I'm busy.. leaving me tired.

sometimes, I feel like everything seems to be going against me but my 100mg of Zoloft daily helps me buffer through everything.

I have to tell myself. It is natural to feel drained from time to time. That is the effort you have to put in before people think you're worth doing something better. I still haven't reached that level yet. I'm trying hard - but I'm not sure if I'll meet their standards. Seriously, the thing with Lisa freaked me out so much because she was so hardworking!! She was so eager to learn!!! she was a much much better worker than me (according to me anyway).

All I can say is.. I gotta try hard..