That's how I feel at work sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I love my work but sometimes, it's taking a toll on my physical / mental strength.
I'm constantly taking diazepam to sleep. If I don't, I wake up at 2am in the morning and feel like I want to do some work. Not want - need.
For the past nearly 2 weeks, I've been working 12 hour days and most of the time, I don't even get out of the office for lunch. I have noticed a decline in my productivity because I'm feeling a little drained, but what can I do? There are people out there who want my job and I've gotta work harder than ever to prove that I deserve to be in that position (even though the pay really sucks).
I console myself by telling myself that I will see my rewards at bonus time - and that's where the savings really count because it will be a lump sum. I've exceeded this month's budget by 2K because we've been buying shit stuff on top of the air-tickets for my mum-in-law and brother-in-law to visit in August. They'll return us the money next month but I just hate having a credit card balance at the end of the month and dug into my account.
It's 3am in the morning and I'm still doing research on an O&G company. It has to be an in-depth analysis so I'm reading all the ASX announcements to understand its story. It's taking longer than I expected and I am NOT happy about it.
Even though I'd really want to be in the office at 5.30AM in the morning, I don't think it's feasible tomorrow. Donovan has been up all night crying. He cries for 10 mins, stops for 5 mins, then continues for 10 mins. I don't know how Vincent is going to work tomorrow - but thank god, he's not goign through a busy time. When i'm tired, my brain doesn't function properly. I applied for half a day's leave in order to re-energize myself after this horrible ordeal. I hope that my 2 hours of exercise booked in on Saturday will revive me.
Tri has already warned me that this is just a phase - and I'll be in Singapore for 2 weeks over this hectic phase. That's why I want to prove myself over this phase. It's hard when you're a sweat shop labourer because you don't really get the chance to do something quality without eating into your energy levels (and no one else in the office except Brian really understands how difficult it is to look after a baby AND work full-time).
Overall, what can I complain about? I have great colleagues, I work for extremely intelligent people. Brian can be harsh, but he is honest about things and over time, it becomes clearer what he wants. Mum saw Brian and said that he is a really good man with a kind heart. To work for a boss like that is my fortune. Well, really.. the fact that I am given the opportunity to work on O&G and learn directly from him and Paul is a blessing.
OK, so this is something that i have to tell myself. Sometimes, I feel really tired.. and i feel really dizzy but it's all worth it. I worry, I panic that I won't be able to finish quality work fast enough. Lisa leaving has also affected me in a large way because we were both in the same situation - leaving academia for Akamai. I remember how excited we were to be finally working in the real world rather than being cooped up in a musty room. Now, I just feel so much for her. Maybe she doesn't realize it - but I actually worry about how she must be feeling now.
I just feel that I don't have time for many things. Brian and Tri want to see that I'm making effort to improve - and I really love studying. But studying takes time and I dont' get time to do that in the office. When i get home, Donovan wants all of my attention (reading books, playing with him, hugging him). Donovan wants all the things that a mother can give. Then Donovan decides to keep waking up at night when I'm busy.. leaving me tired.
sometimes, I feel like everything seems to be going against me but my 100mg of Zoloft daily helps me buffer through everything.
I have to tell myself. It is natural to feel drained from time to time. That is the effort you have to put in before people think you're worth doing something better. I still haven't reached that level yet. I'm trying hard - but I'm not sure if I'll meet their standards. Seriously, the thing with Lisa freaked me out so much because she was so hardworking!! She was so eager to learn!!! she was a much much better worker than me (according to me anyway).
All I can say is.. I gotta try hard..
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Donovan's New Bed
Today, we bought Donovan a new bed from Ikea. He now has a Kritter bed with a good new mattress, brand new sheets, quilt covers, quilts and pillow cases. We wanted the blue Kritter but that was out of stock.. so we went with white. Talk about a global financial crisis!! We had to wait for trolleys at the Self-Service area!
I guess - people HAVE to spend on certain things. In times like these, cheap furniture from Ikea is definitely better than a LaZ boy.
We made the mistake that many 1st-time parents made. We had Donovan sleeping in our bedroom since birth. In fact, for the last year, Donovan has been sleeping in our BED - Vincent sleeps in the hall / floor / wherever there's flat ground. Now, we have Donovan's Kritter bed next to our bed. He'll just have to learn how to sleep on his own bed.
Huge expenditures always worry me. Still gotta go back for a wedding photo shoot. We have already decided not to do any outdoor photo shoots - doing studio pics alone, we save a few hundred bucks.
I think I'm neurotic. I worry when I see a huge mortgage remaining - how I wish I could pay off more of that mortgage so that I don't have to worry this much.
I guess - people HAVE to spend on certain things. In times like these, cheap furniture from Ikea is definitely better than a LaZ boy.
We made the mistake that many 1st-time parents made. We had Donovan sleeping in our bedroom since birth. In fact, for the last year, Donovan has been sleeping in our BED - Vincent sleeps in the hall / floor / wherever there's flat ground. Now, we have Donovan's Kritter bed next to our bed. He'll just have to learn how to sleep on his own bed.
Huge expenditures always worry me. Still gotta go back for a wedding photo shoot. We have already decided not to do any outdoor photo shoots - doing studio pics alone, we save a few hundred bucks.
I think I'm neurotic. I worry when I see a huge mortgage remaining - how I wish I could pay off more of that mortgage so that I don't have to worry this much.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Purely Social Smoking
I'm officially an occasional social smoker. Since 22 Dec 2008, I haven't smoked regularly. I had a cigarette last night and probably another cigarette since that time.
In the absence of pregnancy, nicotine replacement therapy is a great help. I don't think the gum really did much use to me but I LOVE the lozenges. They have a different texture, they make your mouth really uncomfortable - but they also provide you with the nicotine buzz you need. I don't even take the lozenges now because they give that funny buzz to your mouth.
How do I feel around smokers? I don't really care if people smoke, but I think it looks bad when women smoke. I think smoking at bus-stops, whilst walking, standing around is absolutely ugly - and I was one of those people. I hate the smell of cigarettes now too. Vincent still smokes. He finds it too hard to quit. If he quits, we'll save $400 per month... I wonder if he realizes that..
In the absence of pregnancy, nicotine replacement therapy is a great help. I don't think the gum really did much use to me but I LOVE the lozenges. They have a different texture, they make your mouth really uncomfortable - but they also provide you with the nicotine buzz you need. I don't even take the lozenges now because they give that funny buzz to your mouth.
How do I feel around smokers? I don't really care if people smoke, but I think it looks bad when women smoke. I think smoking at bus-stops, whilst walking, standing around is absolutely ugly - and I was one of those people. I hate the smell of cigarettes now too. Vincent still smokes. He finds it too hard to quit. If he quits, we'll save $400 per month... I wonder if he realizes that..
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Nearly 1 week smoke-free!!!!
Ok, I won't say I did it like an angel. I had a puff off Vincent's cigarette yesterday. It was Dunhill's from my grandma and it tasted like shit.
The rest of the time, I just go without cigarettes. I am still using nicotine lozenges, but have now reduced my dosage to only a couple of times a day. I still need one in the morning because that habitual morning smoke is what kills me.
I'm still coughing up gunk, especially in the morning. These days, I spit out yellow to brownish mucus. I think some of it is tar. The more disgusting my spit is, the happier I am.
I finally got my pole today too!!! It's really tiring trying out the moves on the pole.. I've forgotten a lot of beginner's pole, so I think I'm going back to do that again. I'll probably do that in February, after my beginners pilates class. My exercise schedule is so crazy I can't even keep up with it myself...
Not that I'm getting any fitter though. There's virtually nothing I can do to make my tummy firm again. I eat too much, I drink too much.. and I simply do not have enough stamina to keep working on the pole over and over again.
I've gotta try harder tomorrow.
The rest of the time, I just go without cigarettes. I am still using nicotine lozenges, but have now reduced my dosage to only a couple of times a day. I still need one in the morning because that habitual morning smoke is what kills me.
I'm still coughing up gunk, especially in the morning. These days, I spit out yellow to brownish mucus. I think some of it is tar. The more disgusting my spit is, the happier I am.
I finally got my pole today too!!! It's really tiring trying out the moves on the pole.. I've forgotten a lot of beginner's pole, so I think I'm going back to do that again. I'll probably do that in February, after my beginners pilates class. My exercise schedule is so crazy I can't even keep up with it myself...
Not that I'm getting any fitter though. There's virtually nothing I can do to make my tummy firm again. I eat too much, I drink too much.. and I simply do not have enough stamina to keep working on the pole over and over again.
I've gotta try harder tomorrow.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Quitting Cigarettes
Smoking History
Started: November 1994
First Quit Attempt: 1 January 2007
Reason: Pregnancy
End of Smoke-Free Period: July 2008
Second Quit Attempt: 22 December 2008
Reason: Disgusting habit, need to save money
Yesterday was the 1st day I went through an entire day without cigarettes. I had the help of nicotine gum and lozenges. Even though it has only been 6 months of continuous smoking, I could feel the effects of nicotine withdrawal. I woke up craving a cigarette, but didn't have any in the house - and Vincent didn't leave me any (I told him not to).
I went to work and announced to everyone that I quit cigarettes. I wanted to make sure that everyone would be watching me so that I don't fall back into temptation.
The worst times are mornings, just after waking and nights, just before bed. Mid morning, I was dizzy.. but kept drinking lots of cold water. I love my cough. I'm coughing up gunk. Not as much as I would like to.. perhaps I don't really have that much gunk after 6 mths of smoking, but it's satisfying to know that cilia is repairing itself in my respiratory tract and I am coughing up the toxins and tar that has caused my smoker's cough.
My gunk tastes of tobacco. It is disgusting but true. I was able to smell cigarettes on smokers who have just had cigarettes before entering the elevator. I'm making progress.
Right now, I feel like another cigarette. I feel a little light-headed but I'm sucking on a nicotine lozenge. I'm trying to cough up more gunk. This should keep me going for another day.
Started: November 1994
First Quit Attempt: 1 January 2007
Reason: Pregnancy
End of Smoke-Free Period: July 2008
Second Quit Attempt: 22 December 2008
Reason: Disgusting habit, need to save money
Yesterday was the 1st day I went through an entire day without cigarettes. I had the help of nicotine gum and lozenges. Even though it has only been 6 months of continuous smoking, I could feel the effects of nicotine withdrawal. I woke up craving a cigarette, but didn't have any in the house - and Vincent didn't leave me any (I told him not to).
I went to work and announced to everyone that I quit cigarettes. I wanted to make sure that everyone would be watching me so that I don't fall back into temptation.
The worst times are mornings, just after waking and nights, just before bed. Mid morning, I was dizzy.. but kept drinking lots of cold water. I love my cough. I'm coughing up gunk. Not as much as I would like to.. perhaps I don't really have that much gunk after 6 mths of smoking, but it's satisfying to know that cilia is repairing itself in my respiratory tract and I am coughing up the toxins and tar that has caused my smoker's cough.
My gunk tastes of tobacco. It is disgusting but true. I was able to smell cigarettes on smokers who have just had cigarettes before entering the elevator. I'm making progress.
Right now, I feel like another cigarette. I feel a little light-headed but I'm sucking on a nicotine lozenge. I'm trying to cough up more gunk. This should keep me going for another day.
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